all of my shit is packed up and my room is awfully empty. the rain is kind of calming though, so i’m not getting as worked up as i would be right around this time, with what is happening in my head. i will probably go outside to smoke later on because i need to feel the rain on me. it feels good even though i will end up wanting to lie down on the ground in the rain and get completely soaked through, and probably get ill. i am extremely homesick, now more so than ever, and i wish i was going home this summer. i need to feel that sense of belonging because i feel utterly disconnected today. my moods are strange are frequent are strange.
also because i have packed up everything in my room, read a book, washed my hair, done a facial and cleaned my bathroom so i feel like i can stop working. lately i have been overly productive in an attempt not to do any thinking, and no-one else is really around anymore so i cannot distract myself with social activity. although beth is back tomorrow so i will get to see her, and that’ll be nice. until then i will be keeping extremely busy. i finished choke this afternoon, so i’ve moved onto the kerouac. i’ll probably take those two back to the library tomorrow; i can take out fifteen books for the holidays but i’m not sure i have space, and i’ve already got three fairly chunky books from the reading list, as well as all of first year’s texts and other books that i’ve accumulated. and i suppose i’ll be able to find most of the texts for next year online to read, or there’s amazon. i don’t know. i intend to keep myself busy until… i don’t know when, actually. indulged in light flirtation with the guy who works in the shop who seems nice but then again i don’t really want to fuck and run, so to speak. i guess i’l figure my shit out over summer. or wait til he figures out his shit and gets back to me, i don’t really know. i am caught in misunderstanding, again. nor am i entirely sure why i got off the casual sex train. but people make mistakes, and i have many of those in my cash register. what happens now?
and smoking in bed, and wondering when i will find something other than books and cigarettes that allow me to feel serene. even when reading something that is gruesome or terrifying or just plain uncomfortable (hello, humbert humbert) i feel entirely calm and peaceful and i can’t, or won’t think about anything else that troubles me. perhaps i don’t have to; after all, literature is not exactly something i have to hide, it is not a secret shame but a perfect solution. i intend to immerse myself in literature for the rest of my life, however long that may be.
chuck palahniuk, choke. jack kerouac, on the road. vladimir nabokov, pale fire. john milton, paradise lost.
I’ve been laying in bed for 20 minutes, procrastinating getting up because I know I won’t be able to walk.
So glad I have two days of rest ahead of me.
i have kung fu two days in a row at the beginning of the week, so mid-week is when i lie in bed and plead with my flatmates to bring me stuff because i can’t get up
it should not be used
like this. If I love you
is that a fact or a weapon?” —Margaret Atwood (via intensifyit)
they went to macau to the mgm and sat where i sat in the garden when i got ill, and now they’re in hong kong doing a photoshoot with nicholas tse. I AM SO SO SO HOMESICK RIGHT NOW i will cry
Drink Every Time …
- Stu touches his missing tooth or mentions it
- Someone says “remember”
- You see a Vegas landmark
- Alan copies Phil
- Someone swears…or Alan says a non-swear word
- Stu is referred to as “dr.” or “dentist”
- The guys figure out a clue from the night before or pick up a new lead
- Anyone says “Doug” or refers to his getting married
- There is reference to how important the car is to the dad
- Anyone is physically injured
- Someone gets hurt
- Someone takes a drink
- Someone talks on the phone
- Any of the following are seen: A tiger; Nudity; Neon lights; Bodily fluids; A Vegas landmark
hilarity continues over here
going to space out to kate bush today. i am irritated, and this irritation will not go away until he does something. this is stupid, because i was relaxed and had sorted my life out at 6:37 today. i had cigarettes and miguel’s tiedye and i was set to be okay, and i have been irked since 7:14. it is now 8:04. it could feel like falling in love. it could feel so bad.